Review: Blacklight Beauty

I’m doing something a little different with this review. Instead of, say, writing something properly, I decided to take running notes while I watched. It works out for both of us, because I get to be lazy and not really try, and you get to the experience of being there. Or not.

• Two discs in this version, with pretty cool packaging and artwork. Clearly this is not a Vivid or VCA release.
• Opening is actually kinda moody and effective; not showing chicks in scenes when their names pop up. Nice jazzy little number.
• When action starts, seems to be taking a kinda traditional POV porn approach, but with a lot of messing with the speed and film grain effects. I’m not sure I’m totally feeling it… I like the POV thing because it’s a bit easier to suspend disbelief, and the strong stylized look is working against that.
• Boy I hate this frame-dropping look. Slow and sensual is one thing… this interferes with me seeing the action
• The dude looks like the guys I see at BW3 on Sundays during football season. I guess if you think Nickleback is “alternative…”
• Is this supposed to be 16:9 or 4:3? I can’t actually tell. I think it’s 16:9, but the res seems kinda low. Her heels look super pixelated. Source material might not be that hot.
• Sped up movement is also not really cool — I don’t get off on watching movies on fast-forward, ya know?
• Did the girl come in the first scene? The guy sure didn’t. I think we’re on another scene now, which seems to involve two chicks (Riley Mason is one of them) on a kinda cool couch in an old HS nurses’ office.

• The music is good. Whoever handled those aspects did a good job. It gives a pleasingly atonal, avant-garde vibe to the proceedings. I find it impossible to masturbate to, but it’s cool. It’s something you’d probably play while fucking your sister in a David Lynch movie.
• A lot more variety in scenes and shots in this section. I like it. Right now it’s kinda what you hoped Beyond The Valley of the Dolls would be, except without the hippie jive. The two actresses seem to be pretty into it. And then the scene ends without either having an orgasm.
• I just realized, I don’t think the dudes got any credits in the opening.

• They seem to be lighting this current scene, a MMM+F orgy in front of a stag film, with flashlights.
• I do kinda wish they weren’t just doing standard porn moves (loogies on the cock? who does this?), or at least mixing it up a little. I think that’s a lot of what contributes to the notion that most of the “alt” films that are being released are just the usual porn stuff with extra tattoos and bad lighting. At least Jackthezipper is taking some chances film-wise here, with really bad lighting (okay, that was mean — it’s clearly an artistic choice on his part) and a shooting/editing style that would get him fired from most porn shoots.
• Okay, this bit where the music has shifted to a sorta Asian-influenced dark ambient hip-hop and the actress (now I kinda wish they’d shown scenes of the chicks during the credits, because I don’t know who everybody is) is on her knees surrounded by cocks is pretty good. It loses something when moving back into real time motion, but the slowed down, blurry look that was going on at first gave a very interesting perspective on the action. Not judgmental, but sort of a removed observer. It’s a genuinely interesting, even moving shot.
• There’s very little dialogue in the scenes so far. Not just script dialogue, but moaning, dirty talk, etc — it’s almost entirely absent. This is a big reason I personally don’t find the flick all that arousing.
• Hey, somebody just shot a load! And on the second one, there’s a cool freeze right as the guy starts to shoot. It’s interesting stuff, although it doesn’t work as well on this relatively low-res source as there’s a lot of aliasing on the jizz. I can’t believe I just typed that.
• New scene, and this is by far the hottest chick we’ve seen (Jade Starr?). Groovy rockabilly gothy look and smooth-ass go-go dance moves while she fingers herself. Hey, she just grew a strap-on… and a chick (Brea Bennett?) to blow her! This kinda feels like a Rob Zombie-shot porn flick (the music really adds to that vibe).

• Chick 2 is biting the strap-on. Please don’t. Still, the horizontal stripes on the dildo are awesome, and go with the first girl’s stockings. Or at least one of her stockings. Is there some rule in altporn movies where people can’t find matching stockings?
• I hope those tears on rockabilly goth chick’s cheek aren’t tattoos. Maybe she did time.
• I’m sorta surprised that more hasn’t happened with these two chicks yet, since the second was blowing the first. Since then it’s mostly been kinda making out and touching.
• Okay, now the music got all tuff and the g2g fucking action kicked into gear. This is actually kind of a good music video. The band should just release this, especially where the second chick is getting choked.
• Oh fuck, there’s a clown in this new scene.
• Now he’s at a strip club. And he gets to jerk off! God dammit, where is this strip club, and do I have to dress like a clown to do that? This is pretty funny, and kinda hot.
• Oh man, more framedropping. And it just did that 16-screens-in-one effect. Somebody is playing too much with his Video Toaster presets.
• Now we’re in the champagne room, and it appears there is sex. The chick also has the biggest fake eyelashes ever, plus they’re white. It’s kinda weird. Wow, and this dude is really muscly. Did somebody hire Randy White for this shoot?
• “Fuck me, you fucking clown!” Classic.
• This new scene kinda feels like Pi with the grainy black and white look. Couple dudes in their Dickies getting blown in an old elevator.
• Okay, a few minutes of that, and now they’re in a totally different room with a different chick. She’s sporting a Daryl Hannah from Blade Runner makeup job, but does a lot more cocksucking than DH did (on camera, at least). It does look like it might be the same dudes, but I can’t really tell. Frankly, the dudes matter not in this, even less than most mainstream porns. I dunno if that’s good or bad or neither.
• Hey, we’re back to the elevator. that thing has a lot of room, because the chick is riding one dude while blowing the other.
• Ooh, nice shot from of her in Chinese fingercuffs while the elevator descends.
• Okay, new scene, back to the couch in the high school from earlier, but one chick and one dude watching each other masturbate. This is hot, and doesn’t happen enough in porn. She gets to licking his balls while he strokes it. And now I think they might fuck, although he’s having trouble getting it in at an angle good for the camera, it seems. Music is almost gone, so there’s “dialogue,” but it’s very quiet. I wish it were not this quiet. We need some boom mics, people.
• Hey, the guy got to cum. On her face. Oh well.

• Clown again. This guy is the best part of this movie. And hey, it’s Joanna Angel! He just spit on her! Awesome.
• Does anyone reading this slap a girl’s tits while getting it on with her? I’ve never seen this myself, but it’s happened repeatedly in this movie.
• The clown is totally stealing the scene from Joanna, which is pretty impressive. This guy needs to have a whole movie dedicated to his life.
• Chick from the first scene is back now in a new scene, where she fucks a couple guys, once of which I just realized looks like Jason Newsted. The scene is fairly hot, actually, although it’s also less “arty” than the others.

On to disc 2…

• The outtakes seem to mostly be extended sequences of the chicks dancing around and touching themselves, as well as some more fun with the clown dude.
• Now I’m watching the making of bit. The dialogue is still way too fucking quiet. If you need some help compressing and boosting that shit, Jack, let a brother know. But it’s kinda interesting stuff, although I wish there were a lot more interviews and less cinematographic moments. I also wish it actually talked about the filmmaking process more; most of the interviews are about the actors themselves. That’s not a terrible thing, but I’d like to know more about the creative process.
• I kinda wish I hadn’t seen the chick from the elevator scene interviewed. Sometimes it’s better to see the performers perform, not talk about… well, anything.