DVD Review: Barb Wire Kiss

I should first mention that I don’t watch porn for the plot, and I do not and in fact can not understand why anyone would. As you might have guessed, this porno has a plot, so that’s a pretty big strike against it right there. Fortunately, someone at VCA must agree with me, because one of the “bonus features” is a “sex only alternate version.” Someone deserves a little credit for thinking of that. At any rate, the regular version of the movie doesn’t have all that much of a plot, and the women featured here are all unbelievably hot. Allow me to repeat that: the women are beyond belief. I mention it twice since it is absolutely the only redeeming quality to the movie.

It seems as if this was filmed so that it could easily be edited, cutting out any shots of actual penetration, to air on something like The Spice Channel. There are a plethora of far shots, and obtuse angles used, such as close-ups on seemingly random objects, and other weird directing decisions, including varying the playback speed so that the actors seem to be moving like The Flash in at least one scene. It’s lame. I had hoped for much better camera work (then again, I always do), but the real surprise is the almost uniformly horrible lighting. It’s extremely harsh in most scenes, leaving the actors completely washed out. Good lighting isn’t all that tricky. The insane part is that sometimes the video quality is very high and this can, at times, look very slick and well made. Just not during the sex scenes. You know the most important parts of a porno…

The fucking itself would have to be spectacular to overcome the poor cinematography and lighting, but it’s simply not. I had a picosecond of hope during the first scene where the guy seems to actually care about what he’s doing and allows himself to get into it long enough to playfully pull his partner’s hair a little. She does not react well, so he immediately stops and things go right back to them both being nearly silent and acting more or less as if they’re running out the clock on their scene. In another scene there is a few seconds of anal action, but it’s filmed 1992 style, with only an extreme close up for the (very short) duration, so I think that a “stunt butt,” or even stock footage, may have been employed. The same footage seems to be looped in again later that scene. The director was likely forced into using this trick because the guy seems to have a real problem keeping his erection (as do most of the guys in the movie), which kinda of seems like a prerequisite for a porno actor.

The scene with the black guy is, not surprisingly, the best one. He at least seems like he’s having a good time, as does the gal he’s boning. But even that isn’t exactly spectacular.

Just for fun, I watched the included trailers, and ended up wishing that I’d been assigned any of the other films.

If all you want is to see several ultra-hot naked “Punk” chicks (and who doesn’t?!), this might be enough. Providing that you can ignore the other 99% of what’s going on.