What’s that you say? You watch porn for the sex?! You want to look at hot girls fucking in interesting ways, and maybe just relax for ten minutes and jerk off all over yourself? Yeah, me too! Unfortunately I guess that no one told Joanna Angel, the director and star of this movie, because she has some very strange ideas about what should be included in an adult movie. And how to film one. The sex here, what there is of it, is lifeless and dull, and the cinematography and lighting are fairly terrible and often utterly counterproductive and frustrating. If there is one thing that a porno should not be, it’s frustrating.

This disc starts off with several ads that cannot be skipped past, rather than going directly to the main menu. I really hate that, because it shows a clear lack of understanding the wants and needs of the viewer. After watching the entire disc, I now understand why this was done: Either Joanna Angel has no idea what anyone wants out of a porn movie, or I am not in her imaginary target audience of girls who shop at Hot Topic and consider that to be the most extreme hardcore Punk statement humanly possible. Those girls do exist, of course, but they don’t watch porn because they’re all too busy actually fucking!

After finally starting the actual movie, I discover, much to my horror, that this porno has a plot! Much like a Japanese giant monster movie, porn should be all action! No plot is necessary or wanted. It only gets in the way. And as I waited for the sex to start, I noticed the soundtrack: a poppy Rancid song. This is indicative of the entire delusional nature of this film. It wants desperately to be “alternative” but somehow respectable, and perhaps “safe,” at the same time, and ends up being just as mainstream, if not moreso, than anything Vivid, for example, has ever released. Thankfully without the condoms, at least.

Eight minutes in and the first sex scene finally starts. I had hoped that “alt.porn” would mean more than just how the girls are dressed, what color their hair is, and how many tattoos they have — not that any of them, other than Kylee Kross, even have any more than the average porn star. I didn’t think that this would be Hellfire Sex, but I assumed that it would have a less-mainstream (for porn, I mean) attitude than this, if nothing else.

The women here here are all mind-numbingly hot. Let me at least give that one compliment. Pixie Pearl is nearly enough to make my eyes catch fire and my brain melt down. She’s absolutely the hottest girl on the disc, and it’s kind of funny to see her rosary dangling down while she’s getting softly plowed and trying not to look too bored with it all. It should be noted that the sex is never the best or most interesting parts of this film, and is often shot from more or less the women’s POV. Perhaps some women watch porn, and I love all of you who do and want you to come over so we can watch together, but let’s face reality, it’s going to be mostly guys watching this, trying their best to rub one out, so give us a break with the horrible cinematography.

In another insane scene Joanna is dancing to some unimaginably shitty pop/boy-band song, I guess, and her preppy, jock, douchebag boyfriend shows up to dump her for being — and I quote — “too alt.” Holy hell, that’s the lamest thing I’ve heard all year. And rather than tell him to go fuck that skank from the Black Eyed Peas, and being happy that such an idiot is gone, she starts crying. Who the fuck is the target audience of this video? Maybe it really is for mallcore girls? Not a bad idea! Any such gals (or any others, 18 and up, please) who want to make a far better porn than this one, simply email me at Darkseid@altporn.net. At least I’d have good lighting.

Unlike the other actresses, Joanna Angel tries to make her own poorly-lit, badly-filmed sex scenes somewhat energetic, but the standard positions and her wild overacting almost always make things more funny than hot. And no amount of screaming or flailing her head around in hilarious ways seems to be able to conquer the boring, am-I-doing-this-right? kind of vibe that permeates every second of the movie.

This DVD has an audio commentary track, and I find that conceptually repulsive in this context, and thus refuse to listen to it. There is also some bonus “behind the scenes” making-of footage as well as outtakes from the car/bike chase scene (yes, there really is one, and it’s as lame as it is lengthy). You see, these people think that this is a mainstream action film that just happens to have sex in it. As if anyone would want to see such a half-assed creation. They seem to be playing at being deviant while still trying very hard to not venture out of the mainstream except in the most acceptable and accessible ways possible.